Aftermath
by JMNY8
Summary: Kara's recovery from the Exodus doesn't go as smoothly as people think. Canon through Torn, AU after Chapter 1
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I own nothing from Battlestar Galactica.

For about thirty seconds, everything was okay. She had her daughter, Sam was by her side, and she was back home on Galactica.

It didn't take long for it all to get ripped to shreds. A woman came and took Kasey away- and though everything inside Kara was bursting to stop her, to get her back, she couldn't because she had no right. This wasn't really her daughter; she was just another one of Leoben's lies. That was when it sunk in- he had won. He finally broke her. He wasn't even around anymore, but he still had control over her.

Standing on the hangar deck, she could feel azure eyes on her as she started shaking, but knew he wouldn't do anything. The second she felt it pass, she slipped away amid the cries of "Adama! Adama!" Sam's attention had also been diverted, for which she was grateful. Still trembling, Kara snuck off the hangar deck. The ship would be crammed with people all over soon, and there was no way Kara could handle that. She moved through the ship without pausing until she got to a rarely-used storage closet. It was crammed almost to the brink with boxes and files, but she didn't care. She closed the hatch behind her and climbed, shoved, and grappled her way to an empty pocket before sinking to the floor. Even if someone did come in, there was no way anyone would see her. Hidden and alone, Kara pulled her knees to her chest and sobbed. She would never truly be free.

She channeled her despair into hate and anger over the following days. Saul Tigh, once her nemesis, seemed to be the only one as broken and angry as her. Night after night they sat together drinking the pain away and trying to push their rage and vitriol onto others, anything but succumb to the hollow sorrow that filled them. When she wasn't violently angry, she was completely withdrawn into herself, silent and dark.

Days had passed since the return, and Lee had yet to see Kara outside duty times. To be fair, he was avoiding her, but when she wasn't on duty, in her rack, or drinking and sewing dissent with Tigh, she was nowhere to be found.

Lee was pulling a shift in Dogsville when his heart caught in his throat. She was there, standing in the shadows, watching- what?

Her shoulders tensed as soon as he looked over, as though she knew he was watching. Hell, maybe she did- they'd always had a sixth sense about where the other was, at least until- those thoughts were stopped in their tracks. They had to be. Lee looked back over with bitterness and anger in his eyes. Those were the only things she had left him. Without them, there was nothing to stop him from taking her in his arms and- once again, his sense of self-preservation kicked in and he stopped his train of thought. He didn't care that she was over there. He didn't give a damn about what she could be looking at with such pain and loss in her eyes. He didn't care- he couldn't.

She didn't flee from him, but something in the chaos of people made her eyes widen in fear and made her run out into the corridor. Cursing his curiosity, he made for the shadowed area she just vacated and wondered what she saw- what was going through her head.

Not that he'd ever been able to understand her. He had no idea why she'd slept with Baltar on Colonial Day when she had expressed only a mild dislike for him prior to the event. He didn't know why she'd gotten into altercations with nearly every superior officer she'd had since her Academy days. He definitely didn't know what in the gods' names had caused her to marry Anders only hours after declaring her love for Lee to the stars. Damn- that thought wasn't supposed to pop up. He pushed down the despair and hopelessness until only rage remained. He pushed that down next and dragged his curiosity back to the surface. Anyone watching wouldn't have figured he even contained all these emotions. His face was masked by the hard expression of military discipline that he had mastered since childhood.

He stared out into the throng, trying to see what Kara would be so enraptured with- and so scared of. There were some men arguing loudly over the living area place markers. If the fight escalated, he'd have to get involved. A man and his wife were sitting on their bunk, trying to share a quiet moment amidst the ruckus. A woman was kneeling down before her child as the little blonde girl threw a tantrum. Some teenage boys lurked among the rows, clearly looking for trouble. Nothing that he could imagine Kara taking an interest in. Giving up on the search, he decided to deal with the irate men before continuing his patrol. They stopped fighting soon after he made his presence known, and he moved into the next aisle.

"Kawa! Kawa! Kawa!"

The young girl hadn't stopped her tantrum, but now Lee was close enough to hear it. It sounded like she was shouting for Kara, but she couldn't possibly be- he must have misheard.

"I'm trying sweetie, but I don't know who your friend is." The woman looked around briefly at her neighbors, making sure they weren't bothered by her daughter's cries. Her concern was endearing, considering the fact that the roar of people crammed all around them ensured absolutely no quiet for anyone.

"Pwetty Kawa!"

The mask threatened to slip as he choked down a gulp. It still didn't necessarily mean anything, but now his curiosity would not be denied.

"Excuse me," he started. The woman's eyes grew wide as she stood, picking up her squabbling child as she faced him and took in his uniform.

"I'm sorry sir; I'll take her somewhere less crowded until she quiets down."

The military had obviously made an impression upon the civilians already.

"No, no, wait." The woman had started to run off before Lee could get a word in edgewise. "I just-" he felt like an idiot. He couldn't just ask who these people were and what their connection to Kara was. Especially since it hurt too much to even say her name. "I just wanted to ask if I could be of any assistance." He finished lamely.

"Oh- it's nothing. My daughter, Kasey, keeps asking for someone I don't know." She was confused at his interest in their family squabble, especially with so many other people in need of real help all around.

Lee shifted his focus to the little girl. His heart ached slightly as he thought of Paya, and more when he thought of the child he had abandoned on Caprica when he left Gianne.

"Hi Kasey, I'm Lee. Could you tell me who you're looking for?"

Kasey's only response was to bury her face in her mother's neck, effectively hiding from Lee. He'd always had this affect on children; part of the reason Gianne's pregnancy announcement had frightened him so much.

"All I know is that her name is Kara, and she's pretty. I think she might be a part of the military, because Kasey keeps asking about Vipers." At this, Kasey perked up and looked between her mother and Lee. "Play Wiper! Wiper! Wooooo!" Kasey stuck her arms out in an imitation of the planes and was back to squirming.

Lee still had no clue what the connection was between this child and Kara, but it was now clear that this is where Kara's attention had been. Seeing how mother and child were struggling, he decided to intervene.

"I believe I know who you're talking about. Captain Thrace-" hopefully they couldn't tell how much his throat tightened saying that name "is bunked in the officer's bunkroom on B-Deck." Mission done, he started to leave.

"Thank you, umm…" The woman paused, obviously fishing for his name. He didn't want Kara to know of his involvement- know how much he still cared about her- so he merely said, "You're welcome" before walking away. Now that thoughts of Kara had taken seed in his mind, he knew he would be hard pressed to get them out again. He felt the bitterness boiling up as he tried harder not to think about her.

A few hours later found Kara and Lee on duty together. Kara started to get reckless in her bird. It was typical for her to try to shake things up and bust out the ballsy moves, but even her flying had gotten as brash and uncontrolled as her attitude. She was tempted to take Lee up on his offer to airlock her- it was probably the only thing that would ever stop the pain.

She almost did run to the airlock after Julia brought Kasey up to see her. They had no idea that Kara had been watching over her, making sure she was safe and happy. They had no idea that every time seeing the child with her mother was a fresh blow, reminding her that she was still Leoben's captive. They didn't say who told them where to find her, but she cursed out half the crew in her mind for merely being possible culprits. Kara sent them packing, not ready to face her demons head on. It was one thing to torture herself by watching them from the shadows, but actually interacting with Kasey and her mother was a knife straight to the gut, leaving her bleeding out for hours. After Julia took her daughter away, Kara ran with no destination in mind.

This wasn't where she expected to end up. Kara sat holding her knees to her chest at the foot of the couch. She felt the other woman's eyes on her. After so much time in that dollhouse, she didn't know how to be around real people anymore.

The second the hatch started to open, Kara bolted, shoving past Helo in her haste.

"Kara? Kara!" he debated running after her, but decided against it for the time being. He entered his room to find his wife sitting at the table, pensive and confused.

"What was that about?" His tone was soft and concerned as he walked over to Sharon. After hearing Kara rant about all the frakking toasters and glare towards his wife's direction more than once since the Exodus, he was worried what purpose she had in seeing Sharon.

"I have no idea. She practically broke the door down, and just sat on the floor. I figured she was waiting for you, but…"

"Did you talk to her?" Sharon gave him a look- even before she got this bitter, no one _talked_ to Starbuck. Except maybe Helo or the Adamas, but now she was blocking Helo out, and he doubted either of the Adamas even tried. Helo knew that they both worried themselves sick over her while they were away, but between the Old Man's busy schedule and the blatantly obvious spat that she and Lee had gotten into, it was unlikely that either had yet taken the time to reach out to the woman they once called family.

"I asked if she needed anything and she told me to shut up. She just sat there for an hour and a half."

Helo frowned, considering his wife's statement. He understood Kara Thrace better than most, but sometimes she was a complete mystery to him. Now that she was back from months under the thumb of a Cylon regime, he was unsure if she would ever let him past her defenses again- or anyone else. It was no secret that she sent her husband away to the Rising Star, though he didn't know if the split happened before or after the Exodus. No one from New Caprica liked to talk about what happened, so outside of official debriefs Helo was going off of limited information. One thing was certain- this was not the Kara Thrace they remembered.


	2. Chapter 2

Helo didn't see Starbuck for 48 hours after she left his room. He was either in the CIC or with his wife, while Kara was working maintenance shifts or- no one really knew where she went when she wasn't on duty. She'd even taken to avoiding the rec room most of the time, likely because she was sick of being hounded about what happened on New Caprica.

No one from the planet mentioned Kara's name on the rare occasions that they actually spoke about the occupation. Helo hadn't even seen her name in any of the debriefs he'd read, not that there were many. The debrief process itself was taking quite a toll on the fleet. He was even busier now than he had been while they were working 24/7 on a plan to rescue those on New Caprica. He was one of the few officers conducting debriefings, and he also had to oversee the integration of the survivors back into the fleet.

All of the officers conducting the debriefs were tired from cajoling details from traumatized soldiers, and the enlisted who had been debriefed so far were exhausted from trying to relieve their experiences. It had been Lee's idea to start at the bottom ranks and work their way up, but Helo was starting to doubt that was an effective plan. Kara was scheduled at the end of the list, just before Cottle and Tigh. At the rate it was going, they would reach Earth before they finished the debriefings. Maybe by then Tigh would be back as XO, but Helo doubted he would be in a condition to resume his duties any time soon. So much for the post-Exodus reprieve he had planned.

The next time Kara made a public appearance was an unmitigated disaster. It started out innocently enough- she sat by herself in a corner of the rec room, reclining and drinking as those around her laughed and took a load off. The old Kara- the Kara before New Caprica- wouldn't have let a Triad game be played without her taking her competitors for everything they owned, but this Kara had no desire to join in. She was an outsider to all of these people now, and she was certainly acting like it. She sat, occasionally narrowing her eyes at overheard comments.

When Kat called an early night, Helo thought they were in the clear. That girl pushed Starbuck's buttons almost as much as Apollo, even before New Caprica. The two could be absolutely volatile together, so Helo let himself relax a bit more when the cocky young pilot left.

He should have known better than to let his guard down. It didn't take much to make Kara explode these days. There were less than a dozen people left in various states of intoxication and exhaustion. Kara was much more intoxicated than exhausted, a dangerous combination. The previous times Helo had seen Kara like this, she would walk off some of the booze then hit the gym until she was ready to collapse.

This wasn't one of those times.

Sharon had been holding her own in their game of triad with Hot Dog, Narcho, and Redwing. Finally, as they were all getting ready to call it quits, Sharon got full colors. The usual bragging and goading followed, but was quickly interrupted by a slurred shout from the corner. Kara was done sitting on the sidelines, clearly aiming to get her hands dirty.

This all felt eerily reminiscent of the time Kara got sent to hack for hitting Tigh. When he started seeing the scene unfold in slow-motion, Helo knew he was in trouble. Kara had been in a _good_ mood when she hit Tigh, and only a couple shots of ambrosia in. Now, she was a disaster.

"Frakkin' cheat, that's what it is. Cheating toaster… Frakkin'… Piece of shit…"

Kara rose and approached their table unsteadily throughout her raving. The room was on their feet in anticipation. Most were merely looking on, but several of the pilots (Helo recognized them as New Caprica survivors) were more on edge, prepared to join in if the spat escalated into a fight.

Helo and Sharon both knew that the Cylon wasn't in any real danger- she had the added strength and reflexes common in her machine heritage, and four pilots standing between her and an exceptionally trashed Starbuck.

"All the frakkin' same. Frack your destinies and your… and your gods damned.."

Helo saw her start to swing long before her fist came anywhere near them. He grabbed Kara's hand and spun her around, pinning her arms behind her.

"I think that's enough for tonight, Captain."

Helo's tone told everyone that he was dead serious, but Kara wasn't having any of it. She started squirming and thrashing in his grip, trying to get free. He nodded his wife out of the room, relieved when the other officers followed suit. Hot Dog was the last out, with a slightly upset, confused look toward his former mentor before closing the hatch behind him. Finally, Helo let Kara go with a shove.

"I don't know what the hell's gotten into you, Kara, but you need to get your frakking head on straight, unless you want to end up in hack."

Kara's angry expression turned dark and surly as she walked toward the hatch, staggering slightly.

"Should be allowed to hit frakkin' toasters." With that, she was gone.

Helo knew that dealing with Kara was way out of his league right now. Even if he did know how to get through to her, it was unlikely she would heed him while he still shared a bed with his Cylon wife. As he looked around at various people grumbling and griping in the hallway, he knew he had to break out the big guns- it was time to go to the Admiral.

Helo was uneasy after leaving the Admiral's quarters, but he knew that it was the right move. If anyone could get through to Kara, it would be the man who she considered a father. It had been an hour since their discussion, an hour Helo spent almost entirely in the gym. As he made his way back to his quarters, relieved of a bit of frustration, he couldn't help but overhear voices coming from around the corner, talking about the resistance on New Caprica.

"Starbuck probably had a field day planning how to take down the toasters, huh?" Mess or not, Kara Thrace was still a god to many of the younger soldiers- fearless, protector of the fleet, inspiration to all fighters.

The knuckledragger being questioned gave his colleague a bitter look before delivering a tight, stiff response.

"No. Tigh and Anders ran it with the Chief."

Helo could tell that the two petty officers were confused from their sudden silence. He was beyond confused. The whole time they were separated from the planet, Helo imagined Kara planning ops, taking out toasters, and having just a bit of fun doing it. Kara was a fighter, she didn't know how not to be. She wasn't the type to sit idly by as others put their lives on the line. The thought alone used to send her up a wall.

"Ah. She let them take all the glory so she could go out and plug metal, huh?"

The officers were reaching here, but Helo could tell from the knuckledragger's tone that it must have been more than that. He paused before rounding the corner, hoping to hear the rest of the conversation. It might be eavesdropping, it might be undignified for the ship's XO to lurk about, but it seemed like the only way to get any answers.

The knuckledragger's bitter look turned into a glare and the man spat out, "She wasn't with the resistance."

"She didn't fight? Starbuck?" The young officer sounded like a child who was just told that his puppy was dead. This report didn't mesh with what everyone knew of the brash hotshot Viper jock. Helo felt a growing sense of dread at what it could possibly mean that Kara was uninvolved with the resistance. There was no way that this could be anything less than horrifying.

"Couldn't. Frakking skin-job took her first thing. Now frak off."

They had been gone for months. It was just assumed that Tigh, the Chief, and Starbuck would have everything in hand; that they would fight until the bitter end. Starbuck wasn't even given the choice- she wasn't just under the rule of the Cylons all that time, she was their prisoner.

A few of the debriefs Helo read detailed some experiences in the detention center. It was no secret that Tigh lost his eye in there. His was the longest stint Helo had heard of until now, a mere month. When Kara came back looking alright, if a bit emaciated, he just assumed that nothing could have been wrong with her. Others came back with broken bones or scars, she just looked… haunted. She didn't have a mark on her, but they had her for over three times as long as Tigh.

His blood turned to ice as he contemplated the possible ramifications of that. She was a Cylon prisoner for months but showed no physical signs of torture or abuse. His mind flashed back to the farms on Caprica, how adamant she was about never going back there. Could it be…?

There was no use contemplating what might have happened- he needed real answers. Before he made it back to his quarters, he made an abrupt 180 and took off for the hangar deck. It was time to see a man about a girl.


	3. Chapter 3

Helo soon found Galen Tyrol finishing up his shift, yelling at his deck crew to clean up the mess they'd made of one of his raptors. Without comment, he walked next to him as they made their way off the deck towards the married quarters.

"Somethin' I can help you with, Captain?"

Helo didn't want to have this conversation in a crowded hallway, so he merely nodded and directed the Chief toward his room, knowing it would be empty with Cally was on duty. Once they got inside, the Chief sat down at the table and shoved out the opposite chair for Helo.

"It's about Starbuck."

At that, Tyrol visibly stiffened. Kara Thrace was not a subject he wanted to discuss. He understood her behavior during her stint with The Circle, but it frightened him to see her so savage.

"I really haven't seen much of her lately so I don't think I'll be much help. Some of the officers might-"

"No one's seen much of her lately. And I heard that no one saw much of her at all down on New Caprica." Helo's comment was pointed, subtly telling Tyrol that he was at least acutely aware of her capture.

The Chief dropped his head, remembering the day she disappeared. Sam's face grew angrier each day after that. All of them had felt the loss- Kara Thrace was their warrior, their savior on more occasions than anyone could count. There was a vast emptiness each day she wasn't around.

After about a month, most people were convinced she was dead. It took the Chief longer, but after two and a half months he also had to cede to that belief.

Knowing what kind of conversation this would be, Galen got out a bottle of his finest moonshine and filled up a couple cups, downing his first quickly. He remained silent until Helo had finished his first drink, and started talking as he poured them each a second.

"By the time we got her out, only three people in the whole resistance still thought she was alive. Sam just had blind hope. Most of us thought he was being an idiot, but it wouldn't stop him. Roslin kept saying that the Cylons would want to make an example of her, that we would know for sure if she was dead. And Tigh-" At this the Chief let out a bitter chuckle. "Tigh said she was too frakking stubborn to be dead."

Helo let out a small smile at that remark. The new camaraderie between hotshot Viper jock and former XO was damaging to fleet morale, but interesting in and of itself. It was one of the most blatant signs of how much people changed down on that planet.

"Chief, this isn't a formal debrief. I was just wondering-" Before he could finish trying to mince his words properly, Tyrol spoke up. What made him a great chief was also what made him a great source of information- the man could anticipate just about anything.

"She was taken the first day the toasters showed up. Sam was out of it- pneumonia, according to the Doc- but when she didn't show up a few hours after the surrender was declared, he went to everyone he knew looking for her. He told me someone was asking about her before his fever spiked and he passed out. We all hoped he was just delirious, but we were being naïve. We pieced together what happened a couple days later- a Two, that Leoben guy, went looking for her the second they landed, finally caught up to her when she was headed back to her tent that night. A couple of civvies saw her being grabbed by the two and a couple Centurions. Said she gave 'em a hell of a fight."

Galen stopped to down another drink and refreshed Helo's. Any more for him tonight and he would be in no condition to pick Nicky up from the child care center. As long as Helo wasn't on duty, he didn't give a damn how much of his alcohol he used up- anything revolving around Kara Thrace tended to require copious amounts of the poison.

"We didn't hear a single word about her until you guys came for us. Sam was the one who found her. I was shocked to see her back on the bucket, and with some kid no less. Never took her for the nurturing type."

Helo, still silent, also knew this to be true. Kara didn't talk about her childhood much, but she never spoke of any positive experiences. He also remembered their first shore leave years ago, where a little girl came up to her, looking for her father. Kara tracked down the girl's father, who happened to be their CAG, as quickly as possible and bolted in the other direction before he could even thank her. Karl found her in a bar several hours later with a half-finished bottle of ambrosia by her side. That was the night she confessed to an unhappy childhood, and the first night they considered each other close friends.

After the chief pushed the bottle toward him, Helo helped himself to another glass, mulling over what he'd heard. Sam was obviously who he needed to talk to next, but there was something else pressing on the edge of his mind- something important.

It hit him like a jolt. He'd requested the Admiral talk to Kara and Tigh- and he was sending him in blind. If he didn't know what had happened to his best friend, there's no way the Admiral would have any idea what he was dealing with. He used to know just about everything that went on aboard his ship, but that was before New Caprica. Now they were all so inundated with reintegration, he most likely didn't know what was going on with Starbuck. Helo jumped out of his chair, spilling the inch of liquid still in his cup.

There was a good chance the Admiral had already talked to Kara, but in case he didn't, he deserved to know what he would be walking into. It would be better both for his sake and for Kara's. The normal tough love routine that worked on her so effectively in the past could shake her back to her normal self, or it could be disastrous. Either way, the Admiral needed to prepare with all the facts, not just the surface information.

"Sorry, Chief- thanks for everything, I need to run." Helo was out the door before he even finished speaking. Galen, morose from his time reminiscing about that hellhole, took his time cleaning up before going off to retrieve his son.

xxxxx

Kara had to wonder if, like Leoben, the Admiral knew her darkest secrets. It felt like he did when he threw her out of her chair and slung hurtful words at her. For just a second, she was no longer on Galactica, no longer a prisoner on New Caprica, she was back on Delphi. Once again her mother was slamming the door onto her hand, screaming about what a worthless whore she was, that she was a disease the rest of mankind shouldn't have to put up with. The statements still stung of bitter truth no matter who delivered them. She was a cancer. She was a malcontent. These people shouldn't have to be around her, have to be tainted by her.

She'd killed Zak. The only person who ever truly loved her, and it got him killed. It was only a matter of time before Lee, the Admiral, Sam, all of them wound up dead because of her as well. She knew that she should just shape up her act and pretend to be a part of the fleet, like old times. If she was the Starbuck she used to be before New Caprica, they would tolerate her.

She stormed to the officer's head, staring at the weak, pathetic shadow of a person in the mirror. She hated her, more than she thought possible. It had to change. As she whipped out her knife, the people around her started edging away. They were silent the moment she came in, but now there were murmurs and whispers. She gathered her hair up and started to hack away. The few who remained cast her weary glances before they bolted out of the head, not trusting the look in her eye as she played barber.

It was uneven, so she attacked the other side. A pocket knife usually isn't the ideal instrument for styling hair, but it felt right somehow. It was rough and crude, it fit her in that moment. As she gathered up the blonde strands and threw them in the garbage, she vaguely noticed that her head felt slightly lighter. But nothing else did- she was still completely suffocated by New Caprica, by her mother, by everything in between. As she looked back in the mirror, she contemplated how much she was relying on that symbolism. Unfortunately, it didn't work. There was no weight lifted from her shoulders. Looking like the old Starbuck didn't make her the old Starbuck. Hell, even the old Starbuck wasn't real, just someone she chose to hide behind when the going got tough. But now even she had abandoned Kara, before she too could become tainted.

The reflection still enraged her. A hairstyle couldn't change that. She wasn't Starbuck right now- she was barely even Kara. She was so sick of looking at the pathetic mess before her, a mess who shouldn't even be there among decent people. Knife still in hand, she raised her fist and swung. As the mirror shattered, her face was reflected even more in the shards. Disgusted, she continued hitting and breaking the pieces. At some point in her fit, she dropped her knife in favor of bare-knuckle boxing the bits of her reflection. As her hands spilled more and more blood, her anger grew.

"Kara? Kara!" One voice penetrated through the fog of rage. She recognized it, though she couldn't quite place it. It might be dangerous. Everything was dangerous. She whirled around and struck.


	4. Chapter 4

A black eye at the hands of Kara Thrace. Well, that was nothing new for Helo- the more things changed, the more they stayed the same. He couldn't count how many times she'd struck him on a single hand- there were too many bar brawls on leave and squabbles in the rec room to remember them all. But never before had she hit him with any sort of malice. Today, it was more than malice. If he hadn't snapped her out of it, she probably would have been aiming to kill.

"_Kara? Kara!" he walked in on her beating against the sink, splotches of red all over. It took a second to figure out what was going on, a second too long. While he was trying to get his bearings, assess the situation, she whirled around and struck. One hit straight to his face, he was down on the floor. It didn't end there, she continued to kick and scream and punch with all her might. She was underfed and weakened from her time on that planet- in the Cylons' captivity, he now knew- but she was still Starbuck. She could still fight the best of them with one hand tied behind her back. _

"_Kara! It's me! It's Karl. Helo. C'mon, Kara. Starbuck, give me your eyes!"_

_It was that last bit that finally got her. She stopped hitting, finally, and looked at him. What he saw almost broke him. Confusion, anguish, fear. Starbuck never showed fear. But this wasn't really Starbuck. She was someone new- someone he could just barely recognize._

As they sat in the infirmary, Kara refused to even acknowledge Helo. He tried talking to her, grabbing her hand, he even went as far as to pull her face towards him, but she stubbornly kept her eyes focused elsewhere. She reacted when Doc Cottle interacted with her, but even then her answers were cursory and stiff.

She didn't want to talk to Karl. He was persistent- he would try to break down her barriers and get her to talk to him. She couldn't afford that. She couldn't afford to let him, or anyone, see what she had become. Her reputation depended on it, sure, but more importantly, her livelihood depended on it. If anyone found out what she had devolved to, her actions wouldn't just be limited to being grounded, she would be put under guard, maybe even put back into captivity. Not that she didn't deserve it- she was filthy, tainted, bad. Everything the Admiral had said she was, and worse. She knew she deserved it, but she knew she couldn't handle it. Not again.

Helo wasn't looking for an apology. He knew he'd never get one, not from Kara Thrace. What he was looking for was some sign that she was still in there, something to tell him that she wasn't completely lost to them. He couldn't find it. That spark of defiance that had always been present, defined her, was absent. In its place was a look so haunted, so full of desperation that he couldn't believe that this was the same woman he'd played Triad with for years, the woman who convinced their buddies in flight school to go streaking across the campus only to discover she'd hidden their clothes instead.

Karl remained by her side throughout Cottle's exam. He patched up her hand, berated her for damaging one of a pilot's most crucial tools, and gave her a quick once-over. As Starbuck hopped off to bolt out of the infirmary, Cottle stopped her.

"We're not done here, Thrace. If you want to be cleared for flying any time soon, you need to eat more, get some muscle back, and start talking to someone."

She breezed through the first two instructions, expecting them. She knew she was underweight; practically a skeleton. But the last part made her breath catch. The one thing she knew she absolutely could not do was now a requirement.

"I'm not saying it has to be a shrink. Hell, we've only got two left in the whole gods damned fleet, so you'd be in a pretty damn long line. But my door is always open-"

That was met with a look of incredulity from Helo and disdain from Starbuck. The doc shouldn't worry about the pilot coming to his office any time soon.

"Yeah, that's what I figured. But your fellow officers are probably willing to listen, and there's always that husband of yours."

He didn't know what the right thing to say would have been, but that certainly wasn't it. With a seething glare, Kara took off without so much as a word. She'd managed to get through the whole exam barely saying a word, and hadn't acknowledged Helo once. After she was out of the infirmary, Cottle turned to Helo.

"You said she was pounding at the mirror when you came in? That it took her a while to recognize you?"

Silently, only half paying attention to the doctor, Helo nodded. He was so wrapped up in his thoughts that he almost missed what was muttered next.

"What the frak did that toaster do to you, Thrace?"

As Helo registered the inquisition, his eyes widened and he looked to Cottle.

"It was just one? Has she told you about-"

Cottle shook his head, cutting the younger man off. "She's said barely a word to me since we got back onto the bucket. Told me she was uninjured- gotta say, that was one hell of a surprise after not seeing a hint of her the whole occupation."

Helo knew his prying wouldn't be taken well, but he couldn't help it. Ever since overhearing that she was captured, he was resolved to get to the bottom of what happened to his best friend, and how the frak he was supposed to get her back, steady on her own two feet.

"So you don't know-"

"I don't know a gods damned thing, Helo." He turned to storm off to his next patient, but paused. "Anders might."

xxxxx

It didn't take long for word of Kara Thrace's most recent act of lunacy to make the ship's gossip. She had always been the subject of great discussion- who she's frakking, who she's fighting, how many cylon's she's plugged so far. But her so-called descent to madness was wreaking havoc on the ship's morale and constantly on the tip of everyone's tongues. It didn't take long for Major Lee Adama to hear word of her being called out by his father, then completely losing it in the officer's head.

At least now he knew he was right to ground her. It was for the best. He couldn't have her losing it out there, where she might hurt herself or someone else.

_But she did hurt herself. And someone else. She and Helo were both in Doc Cottle's infirmary._ That voice in his head wouldn't shut up- wouldn't let him be satisfied with how things were, no matter how much he wanted to be.

But was there anything that he could do to help her? Not that he wanted to help her. No, his interest was strictly in maintaining the safety of this fleet. That's what he tried to tell himself, every time Kara Thrace crossed his mind- something that happened far too often.


	5. Chapter 5

All too soon, word reached the Admiral. Grumblings and whispers surrounded him, and then an official report from Doc Cottle hit his desk, describing the injuries and the clearly censored version the good doctor had gotten out of Helo. It had to have happened right after he talked to her- right after he yelled at her. Was she rebelling, showing that she was unwilling to shape up? Or worse- did he drive her to this?

Kara had always been a favorite of his since they met. They had bonded by mourning the loss of Zak, and the guilt they both felt but couldn't admit to each other until after the worlds had ended. But even that they had been able to move past. Bill always knew how to talk to her- when to coddle her and when tough love was necessary. Tough love- is that what it was, knocking her chair over and shouting cruelly? He compared that scene with his talk with Saul. He tried to convey the same message, but his method was vastly different. Kara had seemed as though she took it to heart, though. Saul had brushed him off, but he thought he had a chance with Kara. And now… this?

His heart was heavy and his mind full when Lee and Dee came for a family dinner. Once upon a time it would have been just Bill and Kara doing this. It wasn't altogether often, but before the worlds ended it wasn't unthinkable for him to invite him to dinner, and reminisce about Zak for a few hours. She truly was the daughter he never had. He approved of Dee, she was a smart match for Lee and a good confidant for himself, but she would never be his daughter. The three of them kept up a light, albeit tense conversation throughout a short and unsatisfying dinner, and then the Lieutenant was excused.

"Lee, could you stay a moment?"

Apollo gave his wife a kiss on the cheek with a promise to meet up with her soon, and shut the door. He had a good sense of his father's moods, and he clearly wanted to discuss something both important and private.

"I understand you've grounded Kara."

It was hard to miss the tension that statement brought to the younger man's frame. Bill pretended to ignore it, wrote it off as the pressure a CAG goes through.

"Yes, sir. She seemed unfit for duty. I guess it was a wise choice, considering." His words were short, pointed, and made it clear that he wanted out of that conversation.

"Considering?"

"She recently got into an altercation with Helo. She's going around beating up the ship's XO. She should have been grounded the second she got back on this ship-"

"ENOUGH." Bill stopped Lee's tirade before he really got started. "I'd like you to follow up with Helo on this incident."

Anything relating to Kara Thrace, and Lee wanted nothing to do with it. Despite the obvious order, Lee treated it as a suggestion.

"Helo's the ship's XO, doesn't that fall under your domain?"

"That he may be, but you still outrank him, Major. I am ordering you to get a handle on this situation, is that clear?"

"Crystal, sir." It didn't escape Bill's attention that Lee was not looking him in the eye. An almost involuntary reaction to his father's tone, Lee was now standing at attention, his eyes focusing on the wall behind Bill's head.

As the dinner was going on, Helo was elsewhere in the fleet- aboard the Rising Star, to be precise. It didn't take long for him to find out where Sam Anders was bunked, but it took longer than he would have liked to get through the throngs. It appeared that overcrowding was not unique to the Bucket- every ship in the fleet was suffering from too many people. As a former Pyramid star and head of the resistance, Anders didn't suffer with the masses- he was granted one of the few single rooms.

When Helo first stepped into Anders' room, it was like being on Caprica again in Kara's apartment- the place was a mess. There were clothes strewn about the place, and what looked to be a makeshift punching bag in the corner- one that was very well used. It seemed that Kara wasn't the only one suffering from this split.

Sam was surprised to see the man, but he offered his friend a seat at the tiny table, clearing off dirty laundry in the process. He pulled out two slightly cloudy glasses and poured them both full before bothering to ask if Helo even wanted any. Before Helo even reached for the glass, Sam was proposing a toast.

"To victory." His voice was hollow, and right away Karl could see the glassiness in Anders' already bloodshot eyes. The man was clearly living off of the bottle. If Helo thought he'd have to pry to get Anders talking, he was wrong.

"I thought that, when we got back, everything would be better." Having already emptied his glass, Sam poured himself another as Helo first started to reach for his ambrosia. "'Course, that's what I thought when Kara and I moved down to the planet. Everything would be better. But she got cold and I got angry and that was even before the frakking toasters came."

As Helo started to sip from his glass, Anders finished his second round—at least, his second round since Helo stepped in the room. There was no telling how many it had been before that, but it couldn't have been a small number, judging from the state of him. They spent a moment sipping in silence before Helo spoke.

"Sam… After the Cylons came back, what happened?" Despite his pleading tone, Anders refused to even raise his head. "I mean—what happened to Kara?"

This got Sam's attention. He didn't just raise his head, he swiftly met Helo's eyes with a cold glare.

"If I knew that, do you think I'd be here alone? She wouldn't frakking tell me what happened. One minute she's stuffing me into bed, telling she's gonna grab the doc, next thing I know the guy next door is telling me some frakking Skinjob grabbed her straight out of the street. I spent four frakking months looking for her, begging everyone to find her for what, this bullshit?"

Helo bristled slightly at Sam's anger, at the fact that it was directed at Kara, but didn't let it show.

"Tyrol tells me you found her."

Sam's alcohol-induced fury had abated back to depression. He was leaning his head heavily on one arm, using his free hand to spin his glass on its edges. As long as he wasn't pouring another drink, Helo could forgive the lack of focus.

"I don't know what the frakker did to her. I knew she was still alive, but I don't know why they kept her separate."

Anders was clearly lost in the memory, staring into the now-still glass with a deep frown on his face. Before Helo could prompt him for more information, Sam whipped the glass across the room- it hit the wall above the unmade bed, but didn't shatter. Not glass then, but a high-grade plastic. Helo had to wonder how many times it had already suffered that treatment.

"Sam, this is important. Where did you find her? What- what details can you give me?" He already knew that she came back with a kid on her hip, but he didn't want to bias Anders' responses- or further anger the man.

Sam seemed to sober up, inconveniently. He looked up at Karl curiously, with a bit more clarity.

"Helo, why are you asking me this? And why now?"

Helo knew telling him about Kara's downward spiral, and especially her outburst, would cause Sam to get overly concerned, and the last thing anyone needed was a drunken, angry Anders anywhere near the always-furious Starbuck.

"I'm getting background for the debriefs. So I know what to ask and all that."

Ever-honest Karl Agathon didn't even feel the slightest bit of guilt about the lie. And if he did- well, he was the one conducting the debriefings, so maybe it would come in useful.

The fib seemed to placate Anders, who was now back in the hazy fog Karl had originally found him in.

"It was a separate section of the detention center- a hallway that was barred off. There was an open door, and I found Kara at the bottom of some stairs there. It was some kind of- I thought she'd be in a cell, like the others."

Helo was leaning in by this point, hanging onto every word. Kara hadn't been in a cell? His mind immediately jumped to the Farms on Caprica. Was it anything like that? He didn't want to ask Sam, to put the image in his mind. Fortunately he was saved when Anders spoke up again.

"It was some kind of apartment. I mean, she had a kitchen and rooms and…" Sam trailed off, before looking up at Karl again. He looked more lost than Helo could remember. "What happened to her, Helo?"

Momentarily stunned by the desperation the other man was displaying, Helo took a moment and a deep breath.

"I don't know, Sam, but she's safe now." Helo knew more than before- more than he wanted to, really, but there were still unanswered questions. And Sam Anders was probably the only one who could answer them. Helo debated pouring him another drink in the hopes that he wouldn't remember the pain of this conversation, but quickly dismissed the idea as being too manipulative.

"Sam, what happened after you found her in— at the bottom of the stairs?"

Sam went back to his blank-stared stupor.

"I was carrying her out when she woke up. She said something about going back and the second I put her down, she was gone. I dunno what happened then. Next thing I know, there's a dead skinjob next to her and she's got some kid with her. I tried to ask her about it, but we had to get out of there, and- I don't even know what happened after that. She seemed ok on the Raptor back, and she returned the kid to her mom or something, but then the second I looked back at her, she was gone."

Helo sat with Sam in silence for a moment, wrapping his mind around everything and trying to put together the pieces.

"Sam- the apartment. What did it look like?"

Sam's face grew confused, but he answered anyway.

"Just some normal apartment. The kind you'd see in some college town on Caprica or something. Stairs, kitchen, living room. I saw a couple doors but not much else. Helo, what's going on?"

Maybe he should have gotten him that extra drink- Sam was getting perceptive.

"Don't know yet. Thanks for your help, Sam. Listen, just- get some rest."

Helo wanted to tell Sam that Kara would be fine, but couldn't bring himself to. He was too afraid to make a false promise.


End file.
